If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
