I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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