and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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