I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i can't believe i had my finger in that
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
