I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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