Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
