The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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