One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
