i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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