she woke up with a sticky ear
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
