You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You dont lie about slip and slides
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
