You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
