Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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