Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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