you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
