go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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