He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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