I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
