when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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