just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize