I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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