Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
