Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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