anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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