The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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