Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
