we have pet lesbian snakes
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize