what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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