they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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