Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
