My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
