I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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