Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
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