Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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