shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
