every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
