I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
