My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
