I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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