I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Randomize
