I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
