It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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