You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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