I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
