I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
