I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
