2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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