Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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