I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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