I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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