i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
