we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Are we still banned from the library?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
