already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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