Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
