I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she looked like the before picture.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
