I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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