don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
