i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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