saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
