I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
