Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Randomize
