Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
