She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
