If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
