Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
